Breaking News: CNN has leaked results of the psychological test it just administered to all Republican Presidential candidates. This testing regime was instituted after Bobby Jindal and Lindsey Graham protested the network’s capricious rejiggering of the big-boy debate polling criteria in order to accommodate the lone woman in the race.
“Hyphenated-Americans, including Woman-Americans, have no place in our great country,” said Indian-anchor-baby Jindal. “There must be a better way of determining who qualifies for standing proudly erect on the natural-born-citizen media stage.” Cuban-anchor-baby Marco Rubio agreed, as did Canadian anchor-baby Ted Cruz. As did Senator Graham, although his objections centered on gender stereotypes. “A female president needs to be able to put aside her natural bless-your-heartedness,” he explained,“ and be willing to unleash the gods of war.”
Neurosurgeon Ben Carson may have mentioned something about frontal lobes, but no one could hear what he said. Governors George Pataki and Jim Gilmore tried to join the Jindal-Graham protest, but news outlets couldn’t access their Twitter accounts, if such exist. It took Twitter-savvy poll-leader Donald Trump to bring CNN to its senses. “We can’t have people who have blood pouring out of their whatevers making decisions about huge, beautiful walls,” he tweeted. “Let’s have a smart test! It’ll be great! And don’t let that third-rate loser Hugh Hewitt near it.”
CNN, mindful of future ratings, agreed. The network, with the help of Reinz Priebus, hired a panel of psychologists and psychiatrists to administer the classic ten-image Rorschach ‘ink blot’ test [these are the actual original ink blots, presented in the original order] to the Republican field. Here’s what the test revealed.
Scott Walker: That’s me! Beating the Unions!
Chris Christie: That’s me! Blessing the Hurricane Sandy relief efforts.
Jeb! Bush: Ese soy yo, al ser un gobernador decisiva Florida érase una vez.
Rand Paul: That’s me! Outreaching to the darker masses yearning to be Republicans.
Donald Trump: Haven’t you watched coverage of me? In Iowa I said I was Batman, and that’s me . . . being Batman. Giving rides on the Batcopter. Children love me!
Scott Walker: Uh, Scandahoovians enjoying a fish boil in Door County?
Mike Huckabee: Evil Wizards plotting the war against Christmas.
Bobby Jindal: They look like Parsees or Sikhs or Hindus or something hyphenatingly unAmerican.
Jeb! Bush: Los estadounidenses deben hablar Inglés, no asiática. A partir de ahora, patriótico Inglés solamente.
Donald Trump: I’m winning with the Asians. And the Hispanics. And the Blacks. And the Evangelicals. They’re all great!
Ben Carson: Hoo-boy. Easy peasy! The wrong kind of ‘black’ welfare mothers having fun with government handouts.
Rick Santorum: Abortioneering witches.
Jeb! Bush: I don’t think, If we knew then, maybe, Iraq, Obamacare, I’m my own man . . .
Donald Trump: Low energy! Those ladies are hot, and if they remind me of Ivanka . . . I’ll cherish women so much it’ll make your head spin.
Lindsay Graham: I know! Call on me! It’s Slim Pickens on that American-power rocket.
Chris Christie: Siddown and shut up. It’s me on a traffic cone.
Marco Rubio: It’s me protecting my water bottle.
Rick Perry: Isn’t that a turtle on a fence post? Oops.
Donald Trump: Better adjust your smart glasses, Rick. It’s me sitting on the tremendous pile of money Mexico paid for my beautiful border wall.
Mario Rubio: Fidel Castro destroying our plantocratic wealth UNFAIR!
Rick Santorum: Satan destroying sacred sperm.
Carly Fiorina: Demon sheep destroying my last campaign.
Rand Paul: William Jennings Bryant destroying William McKinley and the gold standard. Shoulda coulda.
Donald Trump: Haven’t I already said I’m Batman? That’s me destroying all of you in every poll. Plus I’m very rich, even without the gold standard. And very, very smart. The Wharton School of Finance is terrific, and I did very, very, very well there.
Carly Fiorina: Duh. Phallus impaled in powerful vagina. Just watch me bitch-slap Hillary Clinton.
Mike Huckabee: Josh Duggar! Kim Davis! Religious Liberty! Gay Agenda! Because Obama!
John Kasich: Upright Republican fake-moderate fake-governing a blue state.
Donald Trump: It’s a safari trophy pelt! Just ask my sharp-shooting big-game-hunter kids, Donald Junior and Eric. They’re great! I’m so big on the First Amendment, you wouldn’t believe.
Scott Walker: Unicorns?
Jim Gilmore: My Little Ponies! I used to be a track steward.
Ben Carson: Separated Siamese Twins?
Donald Trump: Siamese, Chinese, Japanese . . . they’re all cunning. And great negotiators! But I beat them every day. I just raise the price on my classy New York real estate! They love me! Let’s make America great again!!
Scott Walker: This is the unicorn one, right? Pretty colors.
Ted Cruz: Jesse Helms’s sanctified aura? Because we need 100 more senators just like him.
Bobby Jindal: It’s an anti-Christian hyphenated-American celebration of a pagan holiday, Holi, which entails throwing colored pigments.
Ben Carson: Colored pigments. Good one!
Donald Trump: Pigs? Rosie O’Donnell! Just kidding — she’s great.
Scott Walker: No, this is really the unicorn one. I see the antlers.
Lindsey Graham: Bombs bursting in air on Day One of the Graham administration. Benghazi! Iran deal! Secretary of Defense McCain!
Ted Cruz: Obviously Green Eggs and Ham. Top yellow: eggs. Middle green: Green eggs (Harvard Debate club shout out!). Bottom pink: Ham!!!!! Winner.
Donald Trump: Loser! I’m not going anywhere, and you’re not getting any of my delegates.
Jeb! Bush: Even though there’s a not-really-connected-to-my-brother Cheney-esque blue ganglion menacing the flaccid pink . . .
Donald Trump: Everyone’s sleeping! Weak! Low energy again! But you’re a really nice guy.
George Pataki: Did someone mention me? I’m a nice guy.
Rick Perry: Even a broken clock is right once a day.
After this Republican Candidate Rorshach Test, CNN has decided not to air the upcoming debate.
Not to worry, however. The debate will be carried on the Sarah Palin channel. You can see it from her porch in Alaska.
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