Before It’s Too Late: Veepstakes 2016

It’s quite possible that by tomorrow night, one or both parties’ presidential candidates will be set in stone, or in silly putty as the case may be.  It’s likely that Trump will be even farther along the road of pushing the Republican establishment to collective, cliff-diving hopelessness; he even may have reached the inevitable promontory at the end of that road, where he can hear the gratifying sound of lemmings plopping into the sea of despair.  On the Democratic side, BernieBros or BernieBots or whatever they’re called will ratchet up their Kierkegaardian ressentiment quotient, as Madame Secretary will have increased her delegate lead and the math just doesn’t add up.  Hillary’s supporters will celebrate with a resounding ‘meh.’

So now seems like a good time to speculate on the best possible vice presidential picks for the currently viable (even if the via is dolorosa and obscura) major party candidates.  We’ll leave Deez Nuts and Vermin Supreme to their own devices.

Hillary Clinton

Ever since Secretary Clinton gave her official “I’m-in” announcement, the smart money (that would be: mine) has been on Julian Castro.  The former mayor of San Antonio and current head of HUD, Mr. Castro has been a designated ‘rising star’ from the last Democratic convention until now.  He’s Mexican American, young (age 41, compared to Hillary’s grandmotherly age of 68), pleasant, smart, from the important state of Texas, and has a twin brother (we know how the Clintons like the ‘two for the price of one’ concept).  But now that it looks as if Marco Rubio is one short step from dropping out—after what promises to be a humiliating loss in Florida—the rationale for Castro is less clear.  Donald Trump’s racist slurs and huge walls and general anti-immigrationism should have made it much less necessary to court Hispanic voters (and voters of other recently emigrated ethnic minorities). 

Left to Right:  Castro, Booker, Brown

Enter Cory Booker (with a superman cape).  The charismatic, dynamic former Newark mayor and current New Jersey Senator could solidify the African American vote/Obama coalition that Hillary Clinton needs to win in November.  He’s not afraid to work across the aisle, to shovel snow and rescue people from burning buildings, and to remain enigmatic about his sexual orientation, a trait that – after Hillary’s false attribution of HIV activism to Nancy Reagan – may be more important than one would have thought.  New front-runner?  Age:  46.

Dark Horse:  Sherrod Brown – progressive, labor friendly Senator from the important state of Ohio.  Plus:  cool gravelly voice.  Age:  63 -- although he comes across as younger, he may be too old to ‘balance’ Hillary. 

Dark Horse Daily Double:  Bernie Sanders – unity ticket, makes sense only if the Feel-the-Bern crowd threatens to mutiny.  Hillary is already AARP-worthy; she doesn’t need an even older running mate.  Age:  74.

One version of the unity ticket.

Dark Horse Distaff Stakes:  Elizabeth Warren.  Age: 66 – too close to Hillary’s age, plus Warren would not play a dutiful second fiddle, although she’d certainly solidify HRC’s progressive bona fides.  Better pick if one wanted to double down on the women’s vote: Amy Klobuchar, Progressive but non-preachy Senator from Minnesota.  Age:  55.  Even better pick for an all-woman ticket – California AG Kamala Harris, who would solidify the African American vote, appeals to the Asian American vote (part of her heritage is Indian), and also underscores the importance of Supreme Court nominations (it's been reported that she's on President Obama's list to replace Justice Scalia). Age:  51. 

Left to right:  Warren, Klobuchar, Harris

I don’t think Hillary will pick another woman, though.  My money remains on Castro (he could put Texas in play, whereas Secretary Clinton shouldn't need help with New Jersey).  I am, however, placing a substantial side bet on Booker. 

Bernie Sanders

Grandpa one-note crankypants would need a younger VP with significant appeal to a sector with which he’s not presently doing well.  Really, I think most of the Hillary VP picks would work for Bernie, particularly the Distaff Stakes possibilities.  We might add recent Bernie endorser Tulsi Gabbard, a very young (age: 34) Samoan American Representative from Hawaii, or Asian-American disabled veteran Illinois Representative Tammy Duckworth (age 48). An even better add might be UN Ambassador Samantha Powers (age: 45), who would shore up Senator Sanders’ shaky foreign policy credentials. The geriatric unity ticket of Bernie and Hillary (Bernary?) remains intriguing, albeit highly unlikely.

Left to Right:  Gabbard, Duckworth, Powers

Reversed version of the Unity Ticket

A daring move for Bernie would be another sort of unity ticket: selecting a moderate Republican, particularly if Trump or Cruz is the GOP nominee.  John Kasich (everyone’s favorite VP pick, age 63)?  Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty (age 55)? South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley (age 44; as an Indian American, she would also add ethnic spice, but the title of ‘moderate’ may not fit)?  

Left to Right:  Pawlenty, Haley

Are there any moderate Republicans left who have sense enough to sacrifice a bit of ideology to stop the destruction of their party, not to mention the nation, and sign on to feel the Bern?

Marco Rubio

Marcolito is probably pan con mantequilla as of Tuesday, so there’s no need to spend too much time on Rubio-VP-pick speculation.  As he’s just 44 and holds the current record for Senate truancy, he would need a respected, relatively moderate older person with executive experience, preferably one who might bring in a big swing state.  All together now:  John Kasich! 

John Kasich

Governor Kasich is the ‘reasonable’ candidate, so he needs a relatively unreasonable younger running mate whose public affect belies a steeping Tea Party troll barely masked by a faint aroma of likeability.  That might be:  Marco Rubio!  Or . . . the perhaps only partially unreasonable Nikki Haley!  Since Kasich may be the whitest white man running, and the most boring, either Rubio or Haley would bring a dash of diversity and a touch of rhetorical excitement to a Kasich ticket.  Republican colleagues seem to like Kasich, so he wouldn’t have a problem finding people willing to run with him (unlike, oh, let’s see . . . Cruz or . . . Trump).

Ted Cruz

If Senator Cruz becomes the Republican nominee (I just spit three times to ward off evil), his VP pick is a no-brainer.  It’s (spit three more times) Carly Fiorina!  She’s already endorsed him, she’s a woman, at age 61 she could spout some sort of life wisdom blather to season Cruz’s youth (he’s only 45, although he seems ancient, like the demon Pazuzu in Exorcist II), she’s an ‘outsider,’ she brings ‘business experience’ to counterbalance what I’m sure Mr. TrusTED will peddle as significant political-institutional chops that somehow have nothing to do with being a professional politician.  Moreover, Fiorina is as mean and dislikeable as Cruz is, and an equally adept serial liar.  Maybe she’s worse, which might make Cruz look good (well, probably not).  In any event, it’s a ticket made in extremist heaven.  Spit, spit, spit!

Left to Right:  Fiorina, Lee, Robertson

The reason I’m so confident about this pick is that almost no one who’s ever worked with Cruz will do so again.  This reduces the VP field considerably.  Ultra-Conservative Utah politician Mike Lee (age: 44) is the only current Senator who has endorsed Cruz, so I suppose Lee has some veepotential . . . more than the scattering of small-bore Texas pols and inconsequential dolts from Congress and various state legislatures who have signaled their allegiance.  The only other person I can think of is Duck Dynasty patriarch and Cruz supporter Phil Robertson (age: 69), who might bring some reality TV cred to counter Trump’s huuuuge stockpile of it.

Donald Trump

This is by far the most difficult Vice Presidential prediction to make.  If Trump had his way, there would be no running mate, as the Donald is too winning a winner to need a sidekick.  Trumpian history suggests that he would like to select one of his grown-up children (big-game hunters Donald Jr. or Eric, incestuous wet dream Ivanka) if, say, the Constitution demanded he do such an unnecessary thing.

Left to Right:  Eric, Dad, Ivanka, Donald Jr.

But as it does, and as it looks like Trump may really be the 2016 Republican candidate for President, the problem of a suitable Vice President remains.  Trump’s Brobdingnagian ego demands that he pick a Lilliputian running mate, ideally one afflicted with selective mutism (too bad, Chris Christie).  Best possibility: Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions (Age: 69), a diminutive, torture-admiring racist who was the first ‘major’ politician to endorse the Donald.  The elfin legislator (described elsewhere as ‘a vile, lisping piglet’) has the advantage of having sponsored no major legislation, ever, so despite 20 years in the Senate, there’s nothing in his record to trip up Trump (political version of selective mutism). Sessions also represents the much-loved and much-courted demographic of Southern uneducated poor white people. 

Which Trump may already have locked up.  So would he need to select a ‘person of color’ (other than orange) in order to demonstrate his love of ‘the Blacks’ and ‘the Hispanics’ (or, more accurately, to demonstrate that ‘they’ love him)?  Making inroads among Hispanic voters is probably no longer possible, and what Latino or Latina would punch themselves onto a Trump ticket?  Eso sería una locura. 

Left to Right:  Sessions, Sanders, Love

But that leaves the other significant minority group.  Trump frequently brays, “I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks;” now he has an actual Black Bestie, Dr. Ben Carson (age 64), currently unemployed author and grifter from Maryland, Florida, and Planet Nine.  Selective mutism?  Check.  Barely ambulatory diversity billboard?  Check.  More camera-visible Evangelical-pandering prop than the newly discovered Bible that Trump hauls around?  Check.  Carson is a little bit shorter than Trump, but there may be that other size issue . . .

So maybe the answer is someone who won’t challenge the Donald’s alpha masculinity in any way whatsoever.  A woman!  Better yet, a Black woman!  And yes, I’ve actually found one who, on paper at least might make a reasonable running mate: Republican Congresswoman from Utah Mia Love (age 40, a good contrast to Trump’s age of 69).

Formerly major of Saratoga Springs (Utah version), Love (as a rising star and one of the very few Black women Republicans) spoke at the 2012 Republican convention and her Congressional runs were supported by GOP Establishmentarians like Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, and John Boehner.  Nonetheless, she is a genuine Tea Party Conservative.  Mia Love also has an interesting life story, although one not without its ironies: in 1973, her parents fled political terrorism in Haiti and were able to gain U.S. citizenship after producing an anchor baby (Mia, originally Ludmya, was born in Brooklyn and grew up in Connecticut).  Like Marco Rubio, she was raised a Roman Catholic but converted to the Mormon faith; unlike Rubio, she has not converted back.  She is reputed to be outspoken, but political ambition might be an effective muzzle.

To be honest with you, it could be a winner of an idea.  A terrific winner  . . .

On the other hand, Love may not want to risk her career for what increasingly looks to be a doomed-to-disaster campaign, fueled in part by no-longer disguised racism and potentially violent mob mentality.  Re-enter Ben Carson as the betting favorite.  Carson has no political career to risk and he’s handy with knife and hammer when it comes to a fight.  Further, adventures as Donald Trump’s wing man might make a good book.  He’s only ‘written’ eight of them, the last one published in 2015.  Brother’s gotta eat.

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